Make Believe
by Fingersnaps
Summary: Abby and Tim have been together and they've been apart, but never as far apart as this; can the rift be repaired? McABBY


22

**Make Believe**

Gibbs exited the elevator, steadying the tray of coffee cups he was carrying as he crossed the floor, he paused and sighed. When he'd left to get drinks for everyone Tony, Tim and Ziva had been working on their case reports; now Tony and Ziva were doing a half-way decent job of looking like they were working but what they were actually doing was watching Tim.

McGee had been back at work for three weeks, and doing pretty well, except every so often he'd get that look, like he was seeing something no one else could see, just like now.

"Thanks Boss, writing reports is thirsty work."

Tim started a little at the sound of Tony's voice, glanced up at Gibbs and gave a brief smile as a cup was deposited on his desk.

Gibbs returned to his own desk, sat back in his chair and took a good long drink, he didn't even pretend to get back to work, but he tried not to make it obvious that he was watching Tim who had ducked his head back behind his screen and was typing away, seemingly oblivious to everyone around him. Except he wasn't oblivious, he knew everyone was watching him most of the time, just as they had been ever since he was found.

Tim had been gone eight days; 192 hours they thought would never end, during which there had been moments of hope, despondency and fear. Three other Federal Agents had gone missing within sixteen hours of Tim's disappearance; Gibbs' team had become part of a multi-agency task force whose sole aim was the safe return of the four men.

For three days they chased down every lead, however tenuous, then they got a break, or so they thought. FBI Agent Sam Cullis was found, unconscious, naked but alive; the brief flare of hope they'd all felt was extinguished in the days that followed, Cullis remained in a catatonic state, and even when he was weaned off the terrifying cocktail of mind altering drugs he'd been given during his captivity he didn't speak, nor did he appear to hear any questions that were asked of him.

They were to endure more false hopes during the hours following Cullis' appearance, and then out of tragedy they finally found a way to bring their men home. The body of ATF Agent Criswell was discovered in Riverbend Park, Virginia; the investigating team had little time to mourn their fallen comrade, in death Alan Criswell became a lifeline to the two men who were still missing. This time his captors hadn't stripped the body, and they found evidence. The quietly relentless activity of the past days became almost frantic, sleep was snatched whenever and wherever possible; the new evidence gave the search for the missing agents added impetus. Abby refused to leave her lab until the test results were through, she was well aware that she should be focussed on the two agents who were still missing, not just one, but she couldn't help it, Tim was the one she knew, the one she cared about, his was the face she saw every time she closed her eyes.

The breakthrough came when trace evidence found on Criswell's clothes and body led the team to a long abandoned apartment block undergoing renovations just off the Capital Beltway in Oxon Hill, Maryland. Sure enough, they'd found Tim, along with NSA Agent Jose Gutiérrez, Gibbs had called his oldest friend with the news, and had heard the cheers and laughter, he knew Abby and Jimmy were with Ducky, waiting to hear, almost dreading what they might have found.

In the days that followed those initial cries of relief had sounded hollow indeed; physically the men were virtually unharmed, emotionally, they'd been ripped to shreds, and it had been touch and go as to whether they could put Tim back together.

As he watched him now Gibbs marvelled at how far Tim had come, but he wasn't all the way back, not yet. He'd been in their clutches too long, and they'd made him believe that he was worthless; Gibbs felt the familiar anger rising within him as it did every time he thought of the insanity that had almost cost one of his people his life. A pro-active security research programme, they called themselves, sadistic bastards is what Gibbs called them, and nothing anyone told him would make him see things different. They'd killed one good man, another was in a mental hospital and likely to remain there for some time, Gutiérrez had resigned and taken his family to California, trying to escape the memories. Tim had stayed, he'd faced his demons, and for a while those demons included his own team mates, the people who held him had submitted him to a relentless regime of drugs, unremitting coercive persuasion during which they'd convinced him the men and women he worked with considered him useless, worse than useless, they thought his ineptitude endangered them when they were out in the field.

It had taken weeks of therapy before he'd been able to talk to his colleagues, to ask questions and believe the answers, his return to desk duties had been a cause for celebration throughout NCIS, and now, finally he'd been cleared to go back in the field. Unfortunately for one person there was still a big hole in what Tim was prepared to tell them, and it was affecting his relationship with the woman who had been closest to him ever since he'd first walked through the doors of NCIS headquarters.

No one knew what they'd said to him about Abby; maybe he'd told his therapist, but to everyone else at NCIS Tim had said nothing. One thing they all knew, whatever it was, it had been bad; there was a chasm between Tim and Abby that seemed as if it could never be crossed. They discussed cases, but even when Gibb deliberately sent Tim down to the lab to work with her, Abby couldn't break through the barriers he'd put up since his return.

It was after one of these visits that Gibbs headed down to the lab, CafPow in hand, he knew things hadn't gone well the minute he heard the silence.

"Abs; no change?"

She shook her head and wiped her eyes. "He talks when he needs to, doesn't ignore me when I try to start a conversation, but it's only because he's being polite, to me of all people...I wish he would yell at me, get angry, anything would be better than this. We...we're broken Gibbs, and I don't know how to put us back together."

"Seems to me you had your chance to be together a long time ago. Don't mess with him again Abs, not after all he's been through."

She stared down at the CafPow cup, unwilling to look Gibbs in the eye. "I..." She gave a deep sigh. "I was going to say I'd never do that to Tim; but I've already done it...more than once." She put the cup down and looked over at the picture of Tim she'd taped to the refrigerator; it had been there since the day he was taken.

Gibbs followed her gaze. "He's back Abs, isn't it time you took down the picture?"

"You think he's back? Just because a guy who looks exactly like Tim McGee turns up for work every day doesn't mean he...Gibbs, when I see him, it's like he shuts down, there's nothing behind his eyes...until I see the Tim I used to know, the picture stays."

"So how long are you going to wait?"

Gibbs turned on his heel and headed back to the squad room. As she tried to work on her report Abby reflected on Gibbs' very good question. In the first frantic days of Tim's disappearance, they'd had so much evidence to sift through she'd barely had time for anything else. Then, she had time to think, the doubts started to creep in, the fear she may never see him again.

When the breakthrough came and they found out he was alive, she could hardly contain her excitement, she'd held on tight to Ducky and Jimmy, their smiles masking any fears they may have about Tim's condition. When they finally got to the hospital and were given the news, the smiles faded and weren't seen again for many days.

Abby sipped her CafPow and gave an involuntary shiver as she remembered the first time Tim had opened his eyes in the hospital and seen her; there was a moment, just a brief flash of recognition, then he turned away from her, and from that day to this he hadn't looked her in the eye. He hadn't laughed, not once since he'd come back, he smiled occasionally, and once or twice the smile had actually reached his eyes, but most of the time his face bore a neutral expression, one that even Gibbs would have had a hard time reading. For Abby, watching Tim battle through each day filled her with conflicting emotions; on the one hand she grieved for the friend she had lost, yet on the other, she was full of admiration for the courage he showed every minute of every day. After what he'd been through, what had been drummed into him time after time, the mere fact he could work with Gibbs and the others was little short of miraculous. Abby had prayed more than once that the miracle could extend to her, but it hadn't happened and Tim remained as far away from her as ever.

She slammed down her cup on the counter top and pointed at the picture. "Okay Timmy, no more; everyone said I should be patient, to let you come to me...But I'm scared you're never coming back, I'm not waiting any longer Tim, I'm coming to get you."

For once in her life Abby eschewed the full-frontal attack that was her norm, she studied Tim as he went about his work, watched his interactions with the other members of the team. Sometimes he looked exactly as he had when he'd worked with them on temporary assignments, unsure, nervous; at times his stammer returned, but he forced himself to regain control and continued working. It was when he was at his computer, lost in some program or detailed search that he looked most like the McGee she wanted to see again.

More than anything she wanted to ask Tim what they'd told him about her, what was so bad that he couldn't be in the same room as her unless they were working on a case. At home that evening she took out her ipad and started to work on a list of things she'd done or said that could be used by someone with an evil mind to turn her best friend into a polite stranger. As the list grew she started to understand...there were times when she'd been unfeeling, selfish, stupid, but at other times, she'd been downright cruel, and if the bastards who took him manipulated this stuff and made Tim think she didn't care...could he think that? Had they made him hate her for all the times she'd slighted him, even the times she didn't mean...stupid Abby, what did it matter if you didn't mean anything? It hurt him, and his captors opened up old wounds and made them hurt even more.

There had to be a way she could make things right, all she had to do was make him see she cared for him, more than...she almost dropped the ipad on the couch as the realisation hit her, she cared for Tim more than anyone else in the whole world, and she was going to show him. She knew the team had a full weekend off, if she could only find a way to talk with Tim, quietly, slowly; Abby leaned back, closed her eyes, concentrated hard, and devised a plan.

First thing she had to do was find him, she didn't want to go to his apartment, he might feel cornered there; she could have tracked his phone any time she wanted, but that seemed wrong, it felt like this should be more up close and personal. She borrowed Sister Rosita's beat-up Nissan and followed Tim as he pulled out of his parking garage. When they passed the nearest mall and the farmer's market Abby started to get curious, she knew Tim well enough to know he usually went shopping on a Saturday morning. A few miles later Tim took a left and Abby read the roadside sign, she sighed quietly.

"Okay Tim, who have you come to visit here?" She parked in a space well away from Tim's car, waited a few minutes and then walked slowly on the well-maintained lawns. He was standing, not quite still; even from this distance Abby could see the slight shivers as he stared at the grave marker. She took a step closer, then hesitated as Tim bowed his head, after a few minutes he stood straight and turned away from the grave, he saw her and froze. Abby could see the unshed tears bright in his eyes, and she felt guilty that she'd intruded on his mourning.

"Tim, I...I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have followed you here."

"Then why did you? Oh, I get it, because you wanted to, it's always about Abby, just like they..." His voice tailed off and Abby reached out for him, half expecting him to pull away; he didn't, but he didn't move an inch closer to her. She glanced over at the grave and read the name carved in the white marble; Alan Criswell. "Oh Timmy, I should go, this was such a bad idea, you need privacy." She turned to go, and looked so contrite Tim couldn't help himself.

"Abby, don't...maybe we could get coffee, it's pretty cold out here."

"I'd like that, my treat; it's the least I can do."

He still hadn't looked her in the eye, but at least he was smiling.

NCIS NCIS

"Good coffee Tim, I think even Gibbs would approve."

"Yeah; I've been here a few times since...you know."

He looked so sad, so...lost, Abby wanted nothing more than to enfold him in a bone-crushing hug, she knew that would be absolutely the wrong thing to do. There was still too much distance between them. "That's the problem, Tim, I don't know. Please don't lock me out, I've missed you so much."

"I'm at work every day Abby."

She nodded. "I know, but...you avoid me, and I need to understand why." There was a hint of fear in his eyes and she thought she'd already gone too far. "You don't have to tell me, I shouldn't be asking, it's too soon for you, I see that."

Tim stared into his cup for seemingly endless moments. He looked up, and Abby almost gave in to her desire to hold him tight when she saw the raw grief on his face. "I know this place because I...I come to visit Alan's grave whenever we get a day off. He didn't have any family and it seems like there should be someone to remember him...You know, when he died, when they told me one of the other agents was dead, I wasn't sad; I was jealous, he'd found a way to escape...I didn't want to listen to them any longer, the drugs were messing with my mind, I wanted to sleep, and if I never woke up so much the better, only I didn't die and they kept on and on..." He knew the signs, pretty soon he'd be kneeling in front on a toilet, throwing up the contents of his stomach, he fumbled in his pocket, he knew he had money somewhere.

"It's okay Tim, I said I'd pay."

"Thanks, I should..." He ran for the door and gulped in deep breaths of fresh air as soon as he got outside. After a few minutes he was calm enough to get behind the wheel and drive home.

Abby settled the cheque and headed to the parking lot, this wasn't how it was supposed to turn out, this was meant to be the day Tim opened up to her and things started to get back to normal. Without conscious thought she drove back to the cemetery. She walked over to Criswell's grave and smiled when she saw the fresh yellow roses, it was just like Tim to bring flowers, he was always so thoughtful.

"What happened to you, what was so bad that Tim wanted to die?" Surprised that she'd spoken aloud she glanced around quickly; satisfied that she was alone Abby knelt beside the grave and offered up a silent prayer for the soul of Alan Criswell, and for the strength to help Tim.

Over the next few days Tim kept finding small treats on his desk, a Nutter Butter, a sprinkle doughnut complete with extra napkin for the discarded sprinkles; at first Tim thought Tony or Ziva were behind the offerings, they'd both told him more than once that he was too thin. Then one day a black envelope appeared on his desk, he opened it up and a broad smile spread across his face; inside was a pack of Post-It notes, each page carefully cut in the shape of a skull, most definitely not standard NCIS stationery, and most definitely the work of Abigail Sciuto. He put the pad in his top drawer, next time he was in the lab he'd have to thank her, no, why wait, he should thank her right away.

"Boss, can I take a few minutes? Just need to see Abby."

Gibbs managed to keep his face straight, but he saw the look of surprise on both Ziva and Tony's faces. "Sure Tim. If we get another case, I'll call you."

Tim headed for the elevator and Tony got up from his chair and took a step toward Tim's desk.

"Don't even think about it DiNozzo."

Tony stopped in his tracks, a wicked gleam in his eye. "Aren't you just the tiniest bit curious to know what she left for him?"

Gibbs shook his head. "Nope, I'm just glad she managed to find something that got a reaction."

"Do you think McGee may be ready to talk with her?"

"Not our business Ziva, remember what Ducky said; let him do things in his own time."

"Hey Tim, I already sent Gibbs my report."

"Yeah, I know, I had to show him how to open the attachments, again."

Abby gave a tentative smile, just for a second he sounded a little more like his old self.

"I'm certain he knows how to do it, but he likes everyone to think he doesn't understand computers, but like you say, Gibbs always knows." He took a step closer and smiled at her in a way Abby had dreamed of for weeks, it took all her self control to stay calm.

"So Tim, if you're not looking for the report, what brings you here?"

"The gifts Abby, I wanted to say thank you. I'm not an easy person to be around right now I know, but I didn't want you to think I'm not appreciative of what you're doing."

"It's nothing, a few snacks." She took a chance and stepped a little closer to him, but he backed away and shook his head.

"It is something Abby, and I think it's great that you're even bothering with me only...hugging...not really ready for that."

"Do you think you'll ever be ready Tim? I can wait you know, just try to remember, whatever you're dealing with, you don't have to do it alone."

"That's what my therapist tells me, but I...they...see, I can't even say it out loud. I should go."

Before she could stop him he was out of the door; Abby went into her office and slumped into the chair. She had hoped Tim would at least begin to open up about what had happened to him, what did she have to do to make him see how much she cared for him? Abby got up and started to pace round the lab, there had to be something more she could do; the thought of having Tim so distant for ever was impossible to accept. She halted by the refrigerator and laid a gentle hand on Tim's picture.

"I'm not letting you go, you hear me? Whatever it takes I am going to make you believe me; not the bastards who filled your mind with lies." She hurried back into her office and started typing, after several; muttered exclamations, a CafPow run and a few tears, she was finally satisfied with the finished product; she crossed her fingers and hit Send.

Tim hadn't said anything when he got back from Abby's lab, but he didn't seem especially agitated or upset, so Gibbs and the others let him get back to work without any questions. They continued to work quietly, winding up all the paperwork that inevitable followed the successful conclusion of a case; Gibbs called time early and they all headed for the elevator.

"We could go for that drink you promised me Tim; I don't have any plans tonight."

"Do you think we could go some other time Tony? I'm really tired; guess I'm still getting used to full days."

Tony didn't bother protesting, truth was, Tim looked beat, and an early night would likely do him a lot more good than joining him for a drink.

NCIS NCIS

Tim put away the dishes and carried his coffee over to the computer, he really was tired, but he knew there was no way he was going to sleep so soon after eating. Might as well check his emails; maybe even play a quick game before turning in for the night.

He sat down, booted up the computer, and was surprised to see Abby's name on his list of emails. Taking a deep breath he hesitated, then shrugged his shoulders. "Man up McGee, read the thing." He opened the message.

Dear Tim

You might not be ready for this, and maybe I shouldn't be writing to you, I've tried to be patient, but I'm scared if I wait any longer I'll lose you forever.

Every minute you were gone was agony, for all of us, you have to know that, to know how much you mean to us; we're all parts of a whole and we don't work if one of us is missing. When you were found it was like the sun coming out on a gloomy day, only a part of you is still missing, the part they took from you. Don't let them drive a wedge between us Tim, heaven knows I've done some stupid things, hurt you in ways that make me sick to my stomach when I think how heartless and uncaring I've been.

I don't want to make this about me, but I have to try to explain. All my adult life it seems like I've been fighting against being grown up. The science, the work, I can be ultra-mature where that's concerned, but the rest. I sit here now and I can't believe some of the dumb mistakes I've made searching for whatever made me happy, problem is the happiness didn't last. It's taken me all this time to figure out why; I was so busy focussing on what I wanted from a relationship I never stopped to think about what the other person wanted. If I was out for fun, that's what they had to provide, if I wanted an escort to a concert, they took me, if I was in the mood for something more physical; it was their job to make me feel extra special.

I hardly ever asked them what they wanted, and if they tried to tell me, well you know how that turns out.

When you were missing, it was like my whole life came into focus for the first time, and what I saw, it was hollow and empty. I know I have no right to ask you, 'specially right now, but do you think one day we could talk, really talk? Not about what I want, but about what's right for you. The old, stupid Abby would be banging on your door right now, demanding you speak to me, and don't think I'm not tempted but I won't do it, not tonight, not any night. I'm learning Tim, slow but sure, and if that's how you want things to be, even if you want to tell me to butt out and leave you alone; then tell me. I'll be devastated, but I'd deal with it because it's what you want.

So take your time, think real hard, and if you want to go out for dinner or drinks, or just to talk, I'm here.

Love

Abby

Tim took in a gulp of air, he'd been holding his breath and he hadn't even noticed…he got up, almost knocking over his chair in his haste to get away from the screen. Was it real? Had Abby sent this or was someone messing with his mind? Did it matter? After everything they'd told him could he even believe anything Abby said? He was breathing fast, and his palms were sweating; he knew the signs, they were all too familiar, if he didn't get it under control this could turn into a full-blown panic attack. Tim could almost hear his therapist's voice. "Think about breathing, slow and easy; take some time to walk, one step in front of the other, heel to toe, concentrate, clear your mind." It took a while to work, but eventually he was no longer trembling and his mind was clear.

For too long he'd been trying to deal with Abby by not dealing with her; his reaction to her email had demonstrated just how unsuccessful that strategy had been. Maybe it was time…he settled back at his computer ready to type a reply, but after ten minutes of staring at a blank reply box he knew this wasn't going to work, only one thing he could do.

He waited anxiously for Abby to answer her phone. "Tim, is that you?"

"Yeah, I…I got your message." His mouth was suddenly Sahara dry.

"Are you still there? Tim?" Her voice was tremulous, uncertain.

"I'm here; Abby…the message, did you mean what you said, about talking?"

"Absolutely! You name the time and the place, I'll be there."

NCIS NCIS

Tim had given himself a few days to get used to the idea of having a meaningful conversation with Abby, and he'd thought long and hard about where they'd meet. He didn't want to go anywhere they'd been before, or somewhere too intimate, in the end he'd opted for a Saturday lunch at Founding Farmers, and as they were shown to their table in the bustling restaurant Tim was quietly satisfied with his choice.

"I can never choose; what are you having Tim?"

They'd ordered lemonade, and were working their way through the menu. Tim's stomach was in knots. "I think I'll just have a sandwich, maybe the shaved pork."

"Sounds good…okay, I've decided, Frisco Burger with Farmer's Chips."

The eagle-eyed waiter spotted the menus being placed on the table and hurried over to take their order. For a few moments after he'd gone there was an uncomfortable silence, neither of them quite sure what to say.

"Tim, I...I was so happy when you called, I wasn't sure you'd ever want to talk with me again."

He gave her one of the little half-smiles that seemed to have become his trademark. "Things have been…weird, I guess I needed time to get my head together, start operating like a normal human being instead of some crazy guy."

"You were never crazy, they tried to take away your sanity, but you didn't let them."

He looked so forlorn, Abby wanted to scream out loud, to rail against the real insanity of his situation. The insanity that led a group of ex CIA operatives to decide federal agents highly skilled in computer science would make good guinea pigs for their experiments. If they'd been successful, the drugs, along with the mind altering techniques that went with them would have been sold to the highest bidder. They had given no thought to the consequences of their actions; Tim looked to be the luckiest of the four, but even he had demons he was still fighting; she was so relieved he was still around; if only she could break through the barriers he'd built. Of the others who'd been held one man lost his grip on sanity, another gave up the career he loved; and saddest of all one man's heart wasn't strong enough to take the strain of the sleep deprivation and the dangerous cocktail of drugs to which they were all subjected. "Oh Tim! I just remembered, Alan Criswell…"

"It's okay Abs, I visited the cemetery this morning." His mouth was dry again, seemed like that was the norm whenever he was near Abby, he took a sip of his lemonade. "This is tougher than I thought it would be."

Steeling herself not to touch him, Abby leaned a little closer. "I don't want…no, doesn't matter what I want; Tim, you need to feel comfortable about this conversation, I know I pressured you into coming, but I don't want you to feel like you have to stay. If you do, you should be honest with me, completely honest. If I say something wrong, tell me, if you want to go, tell me, don't hold things inside Tim, please. Can you talk about it; do you think you can tell me anything at all about what happened when you were gone?"

"I...I don't know where to start."

"If it makes it easier, I know some of what they did."

He nodded slowly. "I figured they'd tell you."

"Just general stuff Tim, nothing specific. Tony said it was up to you to tell me and he's right. Whatever you say, or don't say, it's your choice."

He seemed on the verge of telling her something, but with the worst sense of timing possible, their food arrived. Tim went back into his shell so fast Abby almost felt her head spin. She was determined to let him set the pace so she followed his lead, ate her lunch and joined him in talking about the food, which was good, the weather, which was better, and Tony's latest attempt to convince Gibbs it was time to upgrade his TV. They'd almost finished eating when Abby became aware that Tim was getting quieter, edgier; he kept glancing round the restaurant, his eyes almost fearful.

"Tim, are you okay?"

He shook his head. "There's so much noise. I...I need air." He signalled to a waiter and asked for the check. Abby insisted on paying as she's instigated the meeting, but she didn't want it to end this way, not again.

"Tim, please..."

"I'm not...not running away; just need to get out of here. Abs, would you walk with me?"

She tried not to get her hopes up. "Are you sure?"

"Not sure of much right now, but just as long as you don't mind missing dessert..."

NCIS NCIS

Tim was quiet as they turned off Pennsylvania Avenue and headed down 18th Street. "Abs, you okay if we head for The Mall?"

"Sure Tim, I don't visit as often as I should, always too busy."

They found an unoccupied bench in the shade near the World War II Memorial.

"This is good Tim, much better than staying inside a noisy restaurant."

"Sorry about that, just sometimes I feel hemmed in. You sure you're not cold?"

"Certain; how about you?" Her question was about a lot more than the unseasonably warm temperature on an early April day, and he knew it.

"Getting there, slower than I thought, but I'm making real progress I think...it's all still...mixed-up I guess."

She edged a little closer. "Maybe talking about it will straighten things out."

"It's not easy Abs, talking about what they did...some of it I don't remember, maybe I never will, the drugs they gave us were pretty powerful...what I do remember, I wish I didn't."

There was just the hint of a tremor in his voice and Abby had to fight hard to resist the urge to wrap her arms around him. She'd promised herself this meeting was about what he needed, not about her, so she sat patiently and waited for him to continue.

"I...at first I was confused, thought maybe they wanted me to hack into something, or to use me as leverage for...don't know what, I just couldn't figure out why anyone would want me. Then I got scared, they kept talking about you and the team...I thought they'd go after you, hurt you...only...they didn't, they just wanted to taunt me, make me submit to..." He took a deep breath and gazed into the middle distance, trying to find a way of telling her without telling her everything, some things would remain forever unspoken.

"Over time, wasn't sure how long, I got to know other people were being held, only by then nothing was making sense to me. They wouldn't let us sleep...why am I telling you this? You already know this stuff."

"I told you, Tony wouldn't tell, even when I tried to bribe him with Ziva's email password."

His eyebrow went up and Abby almost cried with joy to see even the tiniest bit of her 'old Tim.' "Tony and Ziva told me a few things, I won't pretend they said nothing, but whatever you told them in confidence, they've kept to themselves. But Tim, they did tell me some of the stuff those monsters said to you about the team, it was harsh Tim, and it was all lies, you have to know that."

"I do, in the here and now, and when we're working I don't doubt them, not for one second, only...sometimes when I'm sleeping, dreaming maybe, what they said makes sense."

"No! No Tim, you can't think that way, the people who took you, who did this to you, they're warped, twisted so bad they don't have any idea what's right or wrong any longer. You're a part of us Tim, when you hurt, we hurt too; if you could have seen them when we were searching for you, you would know."

"Guess I'd have been useful for the geek stuff...Ow!" Tim's eyes opened wide as Abby gave him a sharp Gibbs-slap.

"Don't you dare do that Timothy McGee! Do not put yourself down that way, sure you're great with computers, only an idiot would think otherwise; but you're so much more. You must believe me, not just me either, in any of the others were here, they'd be saying the same thing."

"Just so long as they weren't all head-slapping me too." Tim rubbed the back of his head, he was smiling; only a small smile it was true, but Abby would take any kind of smile over the detached, far-away look they'd seen so often since Tim's return.

"If you're going to be so dense maybe a head-slap is what you need." Abby took a chance and reached out her hand to hold his, he flinched a little, but he didn't pull away. "Tim, your dreams, can you talk about them?"

"With you? I...I don't know, haven't even told Doctor Kane everything. Still trying to figure out what's real and what's fantasy." He turned to her, and for the first time in a long time he looked into her eyes, searching for the scorn and revulsion they told him was what she felt for him. Instead all he could see was compassion and a hint of fear. "Do I frighten you Abs?"

"No, you could never frighten me, I do get scared sometimes, scared that I'm going to lose you. I couldn't bear it if you and I, if we couldn't be..."

"What Abs, what are we? They told me things...they said you didn't care for me, all the times you said you loved me I knew it was a lie...who in their right mind would love me?"

Abby opened her mouth to try and give him an answer, but he was no longer looking at her, he was somewhere she couldn't reach.

"They knew everything Abs…about the short time we were together, even about the tattoo. Over and over they told me about all the men you dated, how they meant more to you than I ever could, one night, or maybe it was daytime, I never knew, they played a recording…it was a list, all the names, it was so loud, echoing in my head. I prayed for it to stop, wished I could cover my ears, block it out…" He stared down at his hands, remembering as Abby was, the cuts and bruises that had marred his wrists, evidence of the restraints in which he had been bound during his captivity.

"It was relentless, when they weren't telling me you despised me, they were trying to convince me Gibbs and the others would have been a better, stronger team if I was gone." He gave a harsh laugh. "Don't know why, but it was so much easier to reject what they said about the team because…well, I guess because deep down I know I make a difference to the team, even if it's only when Gibbs needs an interpreter for the geek speak." He ducked his head down, ready to dodge Abby's head slap, only it didn't come. Instead she took his hand again, unconsciously stroking his wrist.

"Oh Tim…I wish…I wish you didn't have to go through that…it was cruel…but I guess they could only do that to you because I've been so mean…"

"Now who's putting themselves down?"

"But in my case it's true. I made a list...I've done some horrible things."

"That's what they said. I couldn't get them to stop, but you should Abs; we won't solve anything if we keep raking up old hurts."

"How can I stop looking back Tim? It's what they made you do, and now it's the stuff that fills your nightmares."

He pulled away; this was getting too close for comfort. "I could use a coffee, how about you?"

Abby knew what he was trying to do and she had no intention of letting him deflect her, but if he needed a short break she was willing to give his as much time as he wanted. "Why not? I think there's a refreshment kiosk near the Lincoln Memorial, you up for the walk?"

He glanced down at her platform soled boots with a wry smile. "I am, not sure your footwear is exactly walking gear."

She jumped up and took a few steps, a gleam in her eye. "We'll see about that, if you can't keep up, just let me know."

There was no need to worry about keeping up; they fell into step, slow and unhurried, hardly noticing the familiar memorials, each taking time to reflect. Abby was first to break the silence. "I should come here more often; you forget...working so close I guess we take it for granted; just like I took you for granted for so many years."

"Abby..."

"No, let me finish please...you've taken so much crap from me."

"Hey, that's enough! We've had our ups and downs, but when you work close with people...I've had issues with Gibbs and Ziva every once in a while, and Tony...heck, even Ziva says we're like an old married couple."

"Stop trying to make me feel better Tim; we've been so close, not just when we were a couple...half the time we knew exactly what the other one was thinking, we knew when we were hurting, but other times...like after Dearing...I let you down."

Tim was genuinely puzzled, everything back then had been so chaotic, what could she mean? "Me; how Abs?"

"You were hurt, and I'd promised...if ever you were hurt I'd be with you, do you remember?"

"Yes...when you stayed at the hospital with Cade...the Port to Port case...Abby, really I never expected you to visit, like I told Gibbs it was nothing a Band Aid couldn't fix. Take a seat Abs, I'll get the coffee."

Abby was glad to take a minute or two so she could regain a little composure, but if he thought this part of their conversation was over, he was very much mistaken.

"Here you go, one cappuccino and I got muffins, blueberry or cranberry, you choose, or if you can't choose, we could each take half."

Abby laughed quietly. "See, you really do know me well. Tim..."

"Oh Abby, can't we let it rest? After the bomb, everything was crazy, you had enough to deal with, your lab was almost destroyed, so many people dead...badly hurt..."

"Including you. Don't try the old Band Aid thing again Tim, they kept you in the hospital, and you were in shock, Gibbs told me how you didn't even feel the glass...I knew what that meant but still...I was so wrapped up in me, yet again, it's always about Abby, never about you...it was so wrong."

"That's what they said."

Her hand flew to her mouth as she gasped in shock. "They knew about that?"

"Told you...they knew everything."

"Oh my...Tim...I...when I asked to meet you it was because I wanted to heal the rift between us, only now...I've hurt you so much, let other people hurt you; I think maybe we shouldn't be together."

He slumped in his chair, the look of despair back in his eyes. "I always knew I could never be enough for you."

"Not enough! Tim, don't you see? You were much, much better than I deserved; too kind, too thoughtful, too gentle. I...I was scared I'd lose a part of me if we were together, never stopped to think maybe I'd be gaining something too...You have to believe me Tim, about this if nothing else, I hate the way things have been between us and I will do anything to show you I do care..."

"I know you do, in your own way, it's just...Abby, I'm not sure what you want."

"I want...no, it's not about me, this time it's what you want that counts, even if you tell me you can't...we can't try again."

"Abby...please don't mess with me, I've been hanging by a thread through all this...if you're offering me something because you feel sorry for me; stop it now, we'll walk away from here, work together like always, things can get back to normal."

"Nothing about your life since you were taken has been normal; you've been dealing with so much, the lies they told you...you have to remember Tim, they were lies, we all care for you, I...I care more than I was prepared to admit even to myself. Tim, I love you, I really do."

He was trembling as he took in a deep breath. "If only you knew how I'd longed to hear those words, and if you'd told me before all this...but don't you see Abby? I don't know what's real any longer."

"I'm real Tim, the way I feel is as real as it gets." Abby finally gave in to the impulse she'd been fighting all day, dragged her chair next to his and hugged him tight. "I can never make what happened to you go away, and I can never erase what they said, but I can promise you this, I will do better, and if I don't you can call me out on it, or you could always Gibbs-slap me."

"You know that's never going to happen." Gently, he extricated himself from Abby's arms and gazed deep into her eyes. "I want...more than anything I want to believe you, about everything...it's just..."

"I understand Tim, really I do, it's not like I've given you much reason to trust me up to now, all I ask is that you give me...give us a chance. Can we at least try to start again, make it better this time?" His eyes hadn't left hers; it was as if he was searching deep inside her for the truth of what she was saying. "I wish I could promise you it will all be perfect from here on in, but I'm not perfect..."

"Me either, I'm not asking for perfection; I want...honesty." He sighed as he took her hand in his. "This is where you're likely to head for the hills. Abs, I want commitment, there's been so much uncertainty...chaos in my life, like it had all been built on shifting sand, now...I need to feel like things have a solid foundation; if we try this, we have to be a couple."

She gripped his hand tight and he was surprised to see her eyes glistening with tears, "I'm not running Tim, not this time; however this turns out, we're in it together. The people who tried to tear us apart, they didn't understand what we have...why should they, until all this even I didn't know...you've always been too good for me."

"Not true, we...maybe we've never been on the same page before, today it feels like we could be." He leaned toward her and wiped away the tears that had spilled over her lashes. "Abby..."

She stilled his words with a tender kiss, and when they parted they were breathless and blushing like teenagers on a first date. "We're not done talking Tim, and I want you to feel like you can tell me anything, even if you think it will make me feel bad...I'm not going to force things, we'll let it happen...the most important thing is that we start fresh, it's time for us to make a new reality, the one that starts here and now."

NCIS NCIS

Gibbs slammed down his phone. "Damn it! Henderson's CO is UA, if we can't get something off his computer...I'm going down to the lab."

They'd caught a new case almost as soon as they'd walked into the bull pen that morning, and the hours they'd spent on it thus far had been fruitless and frustrating. He'd sent Tim to work in the lab as soon as they'd found the laptop in Henderson's closet, he'd hesitated a little; Abby had told him she was meeting Tim on Saturday, he'd heard nothing from her all weekend and Tim's demeanour this morning had been quiet and business-like, if anything had happened he was giving nothing away.

Gibbs wasn't surprised by that, Tim had always been an intensely private person, and knowing other people had delved so deep into his personal life, and were prepared to use it against him must have been one of the toughest things he'd had to come to terms with since his release. The door swished open and Gibbs stepped into the lab, Abby's music was on, only it was low which was normally a worrying sign, but not today. Abby and Tim were working side by side, not touching yet much closer than he'd ever seen them. They were intent on their work, but there was something about their body language that had Gibbs smiling, he turned to the refrigerator and his smile turned into a broad grin; the picture was gone, Tim had finally come home.

THE END


End file.
